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World Record Mayo-Eater

Mayo Eating World Record

Why Michelle Why?

So recently my wife shared a Facebook post with me that was so disturbing it inspired me to revisit my h8mayo blog after an over 2-year hiatus. So apparently Michelle "Cardboard Shell" Lesco is the World Record holder for mayonnaise eating, consuming 2,448 g (86.35 oz) – which is the equivalent to 3.5 jars in 3 minutes.  While I find this to be uttering disgusting and upsetting (especially to my stomach) I oddly respect someone who can achieve this.  A person who can eat massive amounts of pizza or hot dogs or ice cream doesn't garner nearly as much respect because those things at least taste pleasant (albeit maybe not in extreme quantities); but mayo??? 

I have had friends and co-workers dare me to eat a tablespoon full of mayonnaise.  They have even offered to pay me to do it (as much as $100 one time) and I can't bring myself to eat it.  And here Michelle is eating giant spoon fulls (over 191 tablespoons!!) like its vanilla pudding.  I won't even eat one tablespoon for $100, and I can almost guarantee I would at the very least be nauseous of the smell before the spoon even reached my mouth. Yet, here she is piling it in without even a grimace...this is a feat that can only be described as astounding (or bewildering).  

Here's a thought, can you imagine kissing her after this stunt?  That, my fiends, would be an achievement of it's own.  Perhaps there is a Guinness world record for longest french kiss with someone who just finished eating 3 1/2 tubs of mayonnaise. I can assure you that would be a record few would attempt.  For now, this just reminds me of how much I love my wife who, like me, despises mayonnaise and mayo-based condiments as much as I do.                  

Excuse me sir, but what makes this sauce "special"

Sometimes it is called "special sauce" other times it is named "spread". Erik's Deli calls it "goo", and some places don't even tell you what they call it, they just drown your burger or sandwich in it and cause you to throw up a little in your mouth when it is brought to the table. The bottom line is no matter what it is called, it is primarily mayonnaise based and it is sick and wrong.

Taking One for the Team

So sometimes you are in a social situation where mayonnaise rears its ugly head and you have to make a decision.  Do I eat something laced with mayo to avoid making a scene, or offending someone? Or do I snub my nose in complete disgust and storm out of the room insulted to even be placed in the same room as the disgusting substance?  As much as I would love to do the latter, I unfortunately recently felt obligated to do the former.  Yep, I ate a mayonnaise sandwich...

I walked into a lunch meeting with a client to find a small platter of sandwiches from the deli.  Bought by the client for our meeting.  Well with only four others in the room, skipping a sandwich today would not have gone unnoticed.  So I grabbed a turkey, inspected it, and swallowed the bile that had worked it's way up from my upset stomach, to see that the bread was loaded with mayonnaise...on both sides!

So being the consummate professional that I am, and in the best interest of the team, I took down this mayo-monster like Joey Chestnut taking down hot dogs.  I'd like to say it wasn't that bad, but the reality is that it was pretty bad.  At one point the mayo squished out the front of the sandwich, so that the following bite was almost all mayonnaise...awesome.

So do I regret my decision? Not really.  Sometimes you just have to man up and take one for the team.  Just another day in the life of a mayo-h8er!

So, let's take a break from mayonnaise for a few minutes for a little comedic relief.  Serious, all this talk of mayo can really bring a guy down...or bring your lunch up if you know what I mean.

So let me tell you about a little movie I recently viewed called Conan the Barbarian. Conan the Barbarian is a cinematic classic filmed in 1982 starring the great Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Earl Jones. Wikipedia refers to it as a “sword and sorcery/adventure film” but I might add Softcore Porn to the genre list. I watched the DVD on my laptop late at night and was questioning during several scenes if I should put my pants back on just so that if someone were to walk in the room they wouldn’t get the wrong idea. So really there is quite a bit of sex in this movie; like barbaric, loin cloth-wearing, bend an attractive submissive female over a rock covered in animal pelts,-type sex. A muscle-bound brute Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger mid-steroid use, Mr. Universe-era, long-haired, thick(er) accent, huge) is a young barbarian on a quest to avenge his parents' deaths, but in the end he ends up getting totally and utterly yoked, getting tons of booty, and killing a bunch of dudes, and finally killing a giant snake and the dudes responsible for his parents deaths. Also he finally settles down and gets with this one broad who practically worships him.

Did I mention that I smoked a pork shoulder on Martin Luther King Jr. Day? Because I did. It was awesome. I rubbed it up good with Traeger poultry rub and brown sugar the night before and woke up early to get that sucker smoking. I ended up smoking it on a combination of Alder, mesquite, and hickory wood for about nine to ten hours and finishing with some sweet baby Ray’s blended with some of the pork drippings. I think Conan would have loved it.

So, it’s been a while now since I watched the flick, so now I don’t remember all the details. But I do remember a lot of sex, some boobies, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s naked buttocks. I’d rather not remember Arnold Schwarzenegger’s naked buttocks, but some things just can’t be unseen. Oh, and I also remember a sword and a tweaker guy that lived in a shack on stilts and called to the demons and summoned the devil or something.

Okay, seriously, a thousand words is a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like this is only word number 300 right...here.

So as I was saying...

The Cimmerians are massacred by a band of warriors led by Thulsa Doom. Conan's father is killed by dogs, and his sword is taken by Doom to decapitate Conan's mother. The children are taken into slavery; Conan is chained to a large mill, the "Wheel of Pain". Years of pushing the huge grindstone build up his muscles and he is then sold to a new master, who trains him to be a gladiator, and after winning many pit fights, Conan is freed. After being freed, Conan is chased by wild dogs. He seeks refuge in an ancient tomb he stumbles upon. Inside the tomb he finds an Atlantean General's ceremoniously displayed corpse along with his sword which he takes as his own. As he wanders the world, he encounters a witch, who turns into a demon while having sex with Conan and is driven off by him. Conan also befriends Subotai, a thief and archer.

Following the witch's advice, Conan and Subotai go to Shadizar, in the land of Zamora, to seek out Doom. They meet Valeria, a female brigand. The three burgle the "Tower of Serpents", a temple of Doom's snake cult, and steal a large jewel—the Eye of the Serpent—and other valuables; Conan and Subotai also battle and slay a large snake. After escaping with their loot, the thieves celebrate and end up in a drunken stupor. The city guards capture them and bring them to King Osric. He requests they rescue his daughter, who has joined Doom's cult. Subotai and Valeria do not want to take up the quest; Conan, motivated by his hatred for Doom, sets off alone to the villain's Temple of Set.

Disguised as a priest, Conan infiltrates the temple, but he is discovered, captured, and tortured. Doom lectures him on the power of flesh, which he demonstrates by compelling a girl to leap to her death. He then orders Conan crucified on the "Tree of Woe". The barbarian is on the verge of death when he is discovered by Subotai and brought to the Wizard of the Mounds, who lives on a burial site for warriors and kings. The wizard summons spirits to heal Conan and warns that they will "extract a heavy toll", which Valeria is willing to pay. These spirits also try to abduct Conan, but he is restored to health after Valeria and Subotai fend them off.

Subotai and Valeria agree to complete Osric's quest with Conan and they infiltrate the Temple of Set. As the cult indulges in a cannibalistic orgy, the thieves attack and flee with the princess. Valeria is mortally wounded by Doom after he shoots a stiffened snake at her. She dies in Conan's arms and is cremated at the Mounds, where Conan prepares with Subotai and the wizard to battle Doom. By using booby-traps and exploiting the terrain, they manage to kill Doom's soldiers. Valeria reappears for a brief moment as a Valkyrie to save Conan from a mortal blow. Conan recovers his father's sword during the fight, although its blade is broken. After losing his men, Doom shoots a stiffened snake at the princess.

Subotai blocks the shot and the villain flees to his temple.

Conan sneaks back into the temple where Doom stands at the top of a long stairway, addressing the members of his cult. Conan confronts Doom, who attempts to mesmerize him, but the barbarian resists and uses his father's sword to behead his nemesis. After throwing Doom's head down the stairs, Conan burns down the temple.He returns the princess, and the final scene shows him as an old king; the narration says his road to the throne is another tale.

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Just a little Mayo?

I hate it when someone tries to tell me I should try to eat something that has mayonnaise on it by telling me that it has "just a little bit of mayo on it". Seriously? My response to them is to ask if they would eat something that has, "just a little dog shit on it". It's gross and the quantity doesn't really make it okay. Mayonnaise has a taste and texture that is repulsive. Put it on my burger, or in my turkey sandwich, and I'm going to know it's their and might just vomit after taking the first bite. And no, I can't just scrape it off the bun. If mayo has touched it, it's contaminated and needs to go straight into the trash. Please refer back to my dog shit comment and guess if it would be okay to scrape it off. And why is it that some people think that mayo is such an important ingredient that I couldn't possibly like the food prepared without it? Potato salad? Better without mayo. Tuna Sandwich? Better without mayo. Macaroni salad? Use a goddamn vinaigrette and it'll be a million times better. What's not to get? But it's a good binder; it holds the ingredients together. Please refer back one more time to my dog shit comment. If you needed your tuna fish and relish to stay together and dog shit was the effing ingredient that did the trick it wouldn't matter how much I used you wouldn't eat it.

Mayonnaise sucks!...even in small doses.