So, let's take a break from mayonnaise for a few minutes for a little comedic relief.  Serious, all this talk of mayo can really bring a guy down...or bring your lunch up if you know what I mean.

So let me tell you about a little movie I recently viewed called Conan the Barbarian. Conan the Barbarian is a cinematic classic filmed in 1982 starring the great Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Earl Jones. Wikipedia refers to it as a “sword and sorcery/adventure film” but I might add Softcore Porn to the genre list. I watched the DVD on my laptop late at night and was questioning during several scenes if I should put my pants back on just so that if someone were to walk in the room they wouldn’t get the wrong idea. So really there is quite a bit of sex in this movie; like barbaric, loin cloth-wearing, bend an attractive submissive female over a rock covered in animal pelts,-type sex. A muscle-bound brute Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger mid-steroid use, Mr. Universe-era, long-haired, thick(er) accent, huge) is a young barbarian on a quest to avenge his parents' deaths, but in the end he ends up getting totally and utterly yoked, getting tons of booty, and killing a bunch of dudes, and finally killing a giant snake and the dudes responsible for his parents deaths. Also he finally settles down and gets with this one broad who practically worships him.

Did I mention that I smoked a pork shoulder on Martin Luther King Jr. Day? Because I did. It was awesome. I rubbed it up good with Traeger poultry rub and brown sugar the night before and woke up early to get that sucker smoking. I ended up smoking it on a combination of Alder, mesquite, and hickory wood for about nine to ten hours and finishing with some sweet baby Ray’s blended with some of the pork drippings. I think Conan would have loved it.

So, it’s been a while now since I watched the flick, so now I don’t remember all the details. But I do remember a lot of sex, some boobies, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s naked buttocks. I’d rather not remember Arnold Schwarzenegger’s naked buttocks, but some things just can’t be unseen. Oh, and I also remember a sword and a tweaker guy that lived in a shack on stilts and called to the demons and summoned the devil or something.

Okay, seriously, a thousand words is a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like this is only word number 300 right...here.

So as I was saying...

The Cimmerians are massacred by a band of warriors led by Thulsa Doom. Conan's father is killed by dogs, and his sword is taken by Doom to decapitate Conan's mother. The children are taken into slavery; Conan is chained to a large mill, the "Wheel of Pain". Years of pushing the huge grindstone build up his muscles and he is then sold to a new master, who trains him to be a gladiator, and after winning many pit fights, Conan is freed. After being freed, Conan is chased by wild dogs. He seeks refuge in an ancient tomb he stumbles upon. Inside the tomb he finds an Atlantean General's ceremoniously displayed corpse along with his sword which he takes as his own. As he wanders the world, he encounters a witch, who turns into a demon while having sex with Conan and is driven off by him. Conan also befriends Subotai, a thief and archer.

Following the witch's advice, Conan and Subotai go to Shadizar, in the land of Zamora, to seek out Doom. They meet Valeria, a female brigand. The three burgle the "Tower of Serpents", a temple of Doom's snake cult, and steal a large jewel—the Eye of the Serpent—and other valuables; Conan and Subotai also battle and slay a large snake. After escaping with their loot, the thieves celebrate and end up in a drunken stupor. The city guards capture them and bring them to King Osric. He requests they rescue his daughter, who has joined Doom's cult. Subotai and Valeria do not want to take up the quest; Conan, motivated by his hatred for Doom, sets off alone to the villain's Temple of Set.

Disguised as a priest, Conan infiltrates the temple, but he is discovered, captured, and tortured. Doom lectures him on the power of flesh, which he demonstrates by compelling a girl to leap to her death. He then orders Conan crucified on the "Tree of Woe". The barbarian is on the verge of death when he is discovered by Subotai and brought to the Wizard of the Mounds, who lives on a burial site for warriors and kings. The wizard summons spirits to heal Conan and warns that they will "extract a heavy toll", which Valeria is willing to pay. These spirits also try to abduct Conan, but he is restored to health after Valeria and Subotai fend them off.

Subotai and Valeria agree to complete Osric's quest with Conan and they infiltrate the Temple of Set. As the cult indulges in a cannibalistic orgy, the thieves attack and flee with the princess. Valeria is mortally wounded by Doom after he shoots a stiffened snake at her. She dies in Conan's arms and is cremated at the Mounds, where Conan prepares with Subotai and the wizard to battle Doom. By using booby-traps and exploiting the terrain, they manage to kill Doom's soldiers. Valeria reappears for a brief moment as a Valkyrie to save Conan from a mortal blow. Conan recovers his father's sword during the fight, although its blade is broken. After losing his men, Doom shoots a stiffened snake at the princess.

Subotai blocks the shot and the villain flees to his temple.

Conan sneaks back into the temple where Doom stands at the top of a long stairway, addressing the members of his cult. Conan confronts Doom, who attempts to mesmerize him, but the barbarian resists and uses his father's sword to behead his nemesis. After throwing Doom's head down the stairs, Conan burns down the temple.He returns the princess, and the final scene shows him as an old king; the narration says his road to the throne is another tale.