Sunday, February 17, 2013

Taking One for the Team

So sometimes you are in a social situation where mayonnaise rears its ugly head and you have to make a decision.  Do I eat something laced with mayo to avoid making a scene, or offending someone? Or do I snub my nose in complete disgust and storm out of the room insulted to even be placed in the same room as the disgusting substance?  As much as I would love to do the latter, I unfortunately recently felt obligated to do the former.  Yep, I ate a mayonnaise sandwich...

I walked into a lunch meeting with a client to find a small platter of sandwiches from the deli.  Bought by the client for our meeting.  Well with only four others in the room, skipping a sandwich today would not have gone unnoticed.  So I grabbed a turkey, inspected it, and swallowed the bile that had worked it's way up from my upset stomach, to see that the bread was loaded with mayonnaise...on both sides!

So being the consummate professional that I am, and in the best interest of the team, I took down this mayo-monster like Joey Chestnut taking down hot dogs.  I'd like to say it wasn't that bad, but the reality is that it was pretty bad.  At one point the mayo squished out the front of the sandwich, so that the following bite was almost all mayonnaise...awesome.

So do I regret my decision? Not really.  Sometimes you just have to man up and take one for the team.  Just another day in the life of a mayo-h8er!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


So let me tell you about a little movie I recently viewed called Conan the Barbarian. Conan the Barbarian is a cinematic classic filmed in 1982 starring the great Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Earl Jones. Wikipedia refers to it as a “sword and sorcery/adventure film” but I might add Softcore Porn to the genre list. I watched the DVD on my laptop late at night and was questioning during several scenes if I should put my pants back on just so that if someone were to walk in the room they wouldn’t get the wrong idea. So really there is quite a bit of sex in this movie; like barbaric, loin cloth-wearing, bend an attractive submissive female over a rock covered in animal pelts,-type sex. A muscle-bound brute Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger mid-steroid use, Mr. Universe-era, long-haired, thick(er) accent, huge) is a young barbarian on a quest to avenge his parents' deaths, but in the end he ends up getting totally and utterly yoked, getting tons of booty, and killing a bunch of dudes, and finally killing a giant snake and the dudes responsible for his parents deaths. Also he finally settles down and gets with this one broad who practically worships him.

Did I mention that I smoked a pork shoulder on Martin Luther King Jr. Day? Because I did. It was awesome. I rubbed it up good with Traeger poultry rub and brown sugar the night before and woke up early to get that sucker smoking. I ended up smoking it on a combination of Alder, mesquite, and hickory wood for about nine to ten hours and finishing with some sweet baby Ray’s blended with some of the pork drippings. I think Conan would have loved it.

So, it’s been a while now since I watched the flick, so now I don’t remember all the details. But I do remember a lot of sex, some boobies, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s naked buttocks. I’d rather not remember Arnold Schwarzenegger’s naked buttocks, but some things just can’t be unseen. Oh, and I also remember a sword and a tweaker guy that lived in a shack on stilts and called to the demons and summoned the devil or something.

Okay, seriously, a thousand words is a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like this is only word number 300 right...here.

So as I was saying...

The Cimmerians are massacred by a band of warriors led by Thulsa Doom. Conan's father is killed by dogs, and his sword is taken by Doom to decapitate Conan's mother. The children are taken into slavery; Conan is chained to a large mill, the "Wheel of Pain". Years of pushing the huge grindstone build up his muscles and he is then sold to a new master, who trains him to be a gladiator, and after winning many pit fights, Conan is freed. After being freed, Conan is chased by wild dogs. He seeks refuge in an ancient tomb he stumbles upon. Inside the tomb he finds an Atlantean General's ceremoniously displayed corpse along with his sword which he takes as his own. As he wanders the world, he encounters a witch, who turns into a demon while having sex with Conan and is driven off by him. Conan also befriends Subotai, a thief and archer.

Following the witch's advice, Conan and Subotai go to Shadizar, in the land of Zamora, to seek out Doom. They meet Valeria, a female brigand. The three burgle the "Tower of Serpents", a temple of Doom's snake cult, and steal a large jewel—the Eye of the Serpent—and other valuables; Conan and Subotai also battle and slay a large snake. After escaping with their loot, the thieves celebrate and end up in a drunken stupor. The city guards capture them and bring them to King Osric. He requests they rescue his daughter, who has joined Doom's cult. Subotai and Valeria do not want to take up the quest; Conan, motivated by his hatred for Doom, sets off alone to the villain's Temple of Set.

Disguised as a priest, Conan infiltrates the temple, but he is discovered, captured, and tortured. Doom lectures him on the power of flesh, which he demonstrates by compelling a girl to leap to her death. He then orders Conan crucified on the "Tree of Woe". The barbarian is on the verge of death when he is discovered by Subotai and brought to the Wizard of the Mounds, who lives on a burial site for warriors and kings. The wizard summons spirits to heal Conan and warns that they will "extract a heavy toll", which Valeria is willing to pay. These spirits also try to abduct Conan, but he is restored to health after Valeria and Subotai fend them off.

Subotai and Valeria agree to complete Osric's quest with Conan and they infiltrate the Temple of Set. As the cult indulges in a cannibalistic orgy, the thieves attack and flee with the princess. Valeria is mortally wounded by Doom after he shoots a stiffened snake at her. She dies in Conan's arms and is cremated at the Mounds, where Conan prepares with Subotai and the wizard to battle Doom. By using booby-traps and exploiting the terrain, they manage to kill Doom's soldiers. Valeria reappears for a brief moment as a Valkyrie to save Conan from a mortal blow. Conan recovers his father's sword during the fight, although its blade is broken. After losing his men, Doom shoots a stiffened snake at the princess.

Subotai blocks the shot and the villain flees to his temple.

Conan sneaks back into the temple where Doom stands at the top of a long stairway, addressing the members of his cult. Conan confronts Doom, who attempts to mesmerize him, but the barbarian resists and uses his father's sword to behead his nemesis. After throwing Doom's head down the stairs, Conan burns down the temple.He returns the princess, and the final scene shows him as an old king; the narration says his road to the throne is another tale.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

5x7 Folded Card

Mom Noir Rose Mother's Day Card
View the entire collection of cards.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Just a little Mayo?

I hate it when someone tries to tell me I should try to eat something that has mayonnaise on it by telling me that it has "just a little bit of mayo on it". Seriously? My response to them is to ask if they would eat something that has, "just a little dog shit on it". It's gross and the quantity doesn't really make it okay. Mayonnaise has a taste and texture that is repulsive. Put it on my burger, or in my turkey sandwich, and I'm going to know it's their and might just vomit after taking the first bite. And no, I can't just scrape it off the bun. If mayo has touched it, it's contaminated and needs to go straight into the trash. Please refer back to my dog shit comment and guess if it would be okay to scrape it off. And why is it that some people think that mayo is such an important ingredient that I couldn't possibly like the food prepared without it? Potato salad? Better without mayo. Tuna Sandwich? Better without mayo. Macaroni salad? Use a goddamn vinaigrette and it'll be a million times better. What's not to get? But it's a good binder; it holds the ingredients together. Please refer back one more time to my dog shit comment. If you needed your tuna fish and relish to stay together and dog shit was the effing ingredient that did the trick it wouldn't matter how much I used you wouldn't eat it.

Mayonnaise sucks!...even in small doses.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

...another mayo h8er

I just discovered that my new coworker Anjuli hates mayonnaise too. We were placing our Mr. Pickles order and after I stated "no mayo, no mustard" she admitted that she thought mayonnaise was gross and made a putrid disgusted face. This was particularly amusing to me because it was basically the same face I make when the topic of mayo is brought up. So we proceeded to high five and discuss how nasty it is that people dip artichokes in mayonnaise. We agreed that basically artichoke leaves are like mayonnaise spoons for some people. Most people probably wouldn't eat spoon fulls of mayo (accept my mother-in-law, but that is a topic for another day) but they'll load it up on their artichoke shovels (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little). And don't even get me started on the fact that they think they're eating healthy because they're eating a vegetable. FYI - 1 tablespoon of mayo has 90 calories (all from fat) and 10 grams of fat (1.5 grams saturated).

So anyway, I am extremely happy to know that next time we order sandwiches for a lunch meeting, I won't be the only one requesting mine with no mayo.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Marinated Pork Sandwich

So, here is how the menu read:

Shredded Roast Pork Marinated in a Semi-Sweet & Spicy Southern Asian Marinade with Slices of Fresh Cucumber and Jalapeno Peppers and Sprigs of Cilantro on a Toasted French Roll. Served with Coleslaw on the Side.

So the sandwich came to the table and looked great! Until upon further inspection I discovered gobs of mayo ON BOTH SIDES of the bread...nasty! What part of that menu description says, "comes with loads of mayonnaise"? This is where you have to ask yourself a critical question...do I send it back? I didn't ask for "no mayo", but why would a pulled pork sandwich with Asian marinade come with mayo? If there had been mayo on one side I could possibly have salvaged the sandwich, but it was on both sides and was touching the meat...I was NOT eating this sandwich. So I decided to politely send it back. As you know this is a risky decision, but to be honest, after weighing the options, it was worth the risk. So I told the waitress that I was sorry, but I didn't think I could eat the sandwich with mayo on it and I didn't realize it came with it and could I please send it back and get a new one without mayo. She said she would ask the chef. About 10 minutes later the chef came out and personally delivered my new mayo-less lunch. He explained that the reason he puts mayo on it was so that the toasted french roll does not get soggy.

So I was appreciative of the new sandwich, but thought the explanation was lame. Protect the bread by ruining it with Mayo. There is a moral to this story though...always request "no mayonnaise" regardless of whether the menu states that it comes with it, or if you can't fathom that mayo would come on it. Better safe than sorry.

So the story has a happy ending too, without the mayo, this may have been one of the best pork sandwiches I have ever had. It was fantastic. Oh and bonus...instead of cole slaw on the side I got piping hot crispy french fries. I didn't ask for a substitution, I was just going to leave the slaw on the plate. But the fries were hella good. WAY better than some mayonnaise slaw would have been!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Future Topics...

Future topics on H8Mayo will include Miracle Whip, Thousand Island, Tartar Sauce, and "Special Sauce" (seriously what makes it special? Could it be all the nasty Mayo in it?). These topics and more to come. Check back frequently and feel free to suggest future Mayonaisse related topics.